Monday, 14 April 2014

19 Weeks

In 19 weeks, I will become Mrs Bradbury. I’ve dreamed of having the big white wedding since being a little girl… don’t all girls dream of this? It feels quite surreal that in 20 weeks I will be walking down that aisle to marry my best friend and we will be man and wife and I will get my happy ever after.
There is just one thing holding me back from being excited and allowing myself to daydream about the big day, of twirling round the dance floor in my beautiful wedding gown… and that is my weight.
This battle has been ongoing since having Alfie 19 months ago. I’m not very good at eating healthily – not because I don’t want too, but because there are very few fruits and almost no veg that I like. When Alfie was 5 months old I joined slimming world. Getting on the scales that first time, I could have cried when the numbers flashed up in front of me. It was the heaviest I’d ever been. Ironically, even though I love everything that is bad for me, during my pregnancy, I craved everything which was good. I started eating more fruit and I watched what I ate. It wasn’t until the last couple of months that I started to gain weight in places other than my belly. I developed a mild form of SPD, so I had to rest which didn’t help when I was at home for 5 weeks.
I was determined when I joined Slimming World that I was going to shed the weight. When I got my half stone award, I was so pleased as it had been relatively easy. I’d lost 1lb almost every week. My Mum was joining me at the classes and it gave me a real boost having that morale support. I continued with the classes for about 3 months until I went back to work after maternity. The job I’d be starting meant that I would be working 2 full days a week and one of the days was on a Thursday, which is when I went to group. This meant I’d be working from 8.30am-5pm. Getting in about 5.45 then I’d have to be back out at 6.50 for group. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sacrifice that extra hour and a half with Alfie after being away from him all day at work. Although I enjoyed being back in a working environment and having adult conversation, I missed Alfie terribly. By this point, my Mum had already decided it wasn’t for her and had left group. This only added to my decision to quit too. The last thing I wanted was to feel guilty for leaving Alfie at bedtime, after not being with him all day, and to sit in a class on my own. So the week before my birthday last year, I told my consultant, I was leaving too. It was hard and I was gutted but I just couldn’t find a way I could make it work. Alfie was only just 9 months and I missed him terribly when I had to go to work, so group just seemed like a luxury and it was one I was willing to sacrifice for time with my precious boy.
In hindsight, it was probably the worst decision I’ve ever made. I fell off the wagon and didn’t do very well at sticking to plan once I wasn’t going to class. I didn’t put all the weight back on, but I have put a 3lbs back on since leaving. Which in a year I don’t think is that bad.
My biggest weakness is weekends. I’m quite healthy during the week and I always make home cooked meals but as soon as Michael finishes work and gets home on Friday, I just want to binge on junk and we’ve renamed Friday nights ‘nacho nights’ and we’ll share a plate of nacho’s whilst watching a film. It’s what I look forward to all week.
Since leaving slimming world, I’ve tried to be healthier and exercise, but if truth be told I’m just not a fan of working out. With having Alfie, I don’t have any time to go to the gym or trying to going jogging / running as I work til lunch, then I’ve got Alfie every afternoon. When Michael gets home we eat tea together and when it’s Alfie’s bath time, I clear up the tea things and his toys, or sometimes just relax if I’ve had a particularly stressful day.
Enough is enough.
I can’t keep making excuses. I recently discovered the bootea teatox on Twitter, so thought I’d give it ago. Michael wasn’t overly happy as he thought it was just another fad I wouldn’t stick too. At the end of the 14 days, I’d lost 3.5lbs.  I was gutted it wasn’t more, although pleased it was a loss. I hadn’t changed my diet too much (I’d just cut out red meat as it contains toxins which the bootea is working to flush out of your system) so I switched it to chicken / turkey or fish. I enjoyed the bootea so much, that I ordered my 2nd lot and I’m really enjoying it. I feel better in myself. I don’t feel as sluggish or bloated. It really is great stuff and I really recommend it.
I’m making a vow that I am going to change and I am going to fit into my wedding dress (which I’ve ordered in my pre baby size – just one dress size smaller than what I am now). I’m going to exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, I’m going to drink more water, I’m going to find a veg that I like and eat it, I’m going to make salads more fun rather than having the same things all the time.
I cannot keep feeling the way I do. I feel miserable, I’m so unhappy. I could cry every time I look in the mirror. I cover up in baggy clothes all the time. I want to feel good about myself again, I want to be happy and healthy. I don’t want every spare minute I have to myself to be consumed by thoughts of how fed up I am with my weight, or how much I dislike myself for my weight.  Most of all, I want to be fit and healthy for Alfie’s sake (and for any future children we may have).
I’ve no doubt in my mind that it’s going to be a long hard slog for the next four months but my motivation needs to be walking down the aisle in my beautiful dress to marry my best friend and being able to wear a bikini on honeymoon and feel better about myself.
This is one challenge I’m ready for.
Once I'm back to looking how I do in this picture, I will be over the moon!

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